Time for a joke (part 2)

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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby WeeMann » Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:20 pm

Elessar wrote:
WeeMann wrote:If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?


Ooooh....that's weak Queen knowledge. Particularly ironic given that you also mentioned astrophysics!


Got it from an e-mail of Letters To Viz. I just copied and pasted, so claim no responsibility! :P
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby queenb » Tue Jan 19, 2010 11:04 am

Greywoolfe wrote:I just bought some West Bromwich Albion wallpaper.

It looks great but it just wont go up.


Maybe you aren't so bad after all :wink:
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Bad Guy » Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:03 pm

I have an imaginery pet dog, which only I see and no-one else can. Suppose it's the complete opposite of a guide dog...

:lookround:
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby _Bijou_ » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:20 pm

This is an awful one I heard on Dave so everyone else has probably heard it.

A man takes his dog to the vet because it has crossed eyes.
The vet picks the dog up and says, "Yes, your dogs eyes are crossed, I'm going to have to put him down".
The man looks at his dog and asks, "You have to put him down just because his eyes are crossed?"
The vet says, "No, because he's heavy".




:blush:
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Bad Guy » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:03 am

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby JLP » Fri Jan 22, 2010 7:00 pm

renault and ford have joined forces to create a new car aimed at women drivers. The new model is a hybrid of the Renault Clio and the Ford Tauras. It will be called the Clitaurus.

The manufacturers are saying the car will be safe from male car thieves as they will not be able to find it, even if they are told exactly where it is.
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Champs » Wed Jan 27, 2010 8:29 pm

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hrs of amazing sex paddy says,"I wunder how der girls are getting on"????
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Bad Guy » Wed Jan 27, 2010 8:34 pm

A12341 wrote:Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hrs of amazing sex paddy says,"I wunder how der girls are getting on"????


:lol: :P
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Bad Guy » Thu Mar 04, 2010 11:51 pm

Gawd the roads are slippy tonight! I just left the road in my car and hit an Englishman. I drove through five fields and two golf courses, but I eventually got the f*cker!
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Bad Guy » Fri Mar 05, 2010 3:46 pm

The police have just came to my door and told me that my dog was seeen chasing a guy on a bike. I told them to get lost, my dog doesn't have a bike!
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Ian-Highlander » Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:01 pm

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby LittleBabyNothing » Sat Mar 06, 2010 8:00 pm

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. . . . I'm married to his widow."
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience." - George Bernard Shaw
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Elessar » Sat Mar 06, 2010 9:58 pm

Ian-Highlander wrote:A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.


Haha :lol:

Reminds me of another:

The Queen is being shown around a new hospital. As she walks through one of the wards, she sees a man sitting on his bed masturbating. Rathr shocked, she asks why he isn't being told to stop.
Her tour guide replies, "He's got a condition that requires him to ejaculate every hour, otherwise he'll die."
"Oh, well I suppose that's all in order then", the Queen replies.
The tour continues and the Queen looks into a room where she sees a nurse fellating a patient.
"Well this certainly can't be allowed!", the Queen explains, "What's going on there?"
"Same condition", the tour guide replies, "but he's with BUPA".
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Greywoolfe » Sat Mar 06, 2010 10:50 pm

What did the slug say to the snail?

Spoiler! :
Big Issue...


:lookround:
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Re: Time for a joke (part 2)

Postby Y2marmar » Sun Mar 07, 2010 12:35 am

Greywoolfe wrote:What did the slug say to the snail?

Spoiler! :
Big Issue...


:lookround:


Lol, I like that
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