Time for a joke

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Time for a joke

Postby Taryn » Thu Apr 15, 2010 4:37 pm

Laughter is good for you so post all your jokes here and lets have a giggle.

Here's one to start us off, got it in an email today so thought I would share it with you.



Sneezing on an aeroplane

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes
passed when the woman sneezed yet again

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've
sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently.

Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

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Re: Time for a joke

Postby y2marmar » Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:35 pm

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Morrison's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Morrisons and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Cool Cat » Fri Apr 16, 2010 11:26 am

Pick-up line comebacks

He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?

Boy attempts to chat up a classy looking girl on the dance floor, "I don't dance with kids" she said, looking down her nose
"Sorry love, didn't know you were pregnant" he replies
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Dittany » Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:38 pm

A man--let's call him Joe--started a new job at a massive skyscraper. Throughout the first week of his new job, he kept hearing about the incredible bar on the top floor. Finally that Friday, after work, he decided to go check out the bar. While sipping his drink, Joe noticed the man next to him doing something very odd. He would order a shot of tequila, drink it down, then walk out onto the balcony and jump off. Five minutes later, Joe would see him stroll back into the bar and order another tequila. After an hour or so of this, the novelty started to wear off; Joe asked the man how he was able to jump from that height without killing himself.

The man replied, "The alcohol in the tequila sufficiently alters my buoyancy so that I'm able to slow the acceleration of my fall in order to land unhurt."

Maybe it was the booze that Joe had already consumed, or maybe it was the fact that the Packers had gone to the Super Bowl that decade, but he decided to try this out. He ordered the tequila, drank it all down and jumped off the balcony. He took out two street mimes and a pigeon as he fell to his death.

The bartender sneered at the man and said, "You really are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Eimerk » Sat Apr 17, 2010 8:28 am

Topical one hopefully.................


Q) What's the difference between the Icelandic Volcano and Cheryl Cole?














A) The Volcano is the only one still blowing Ash........
 
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Champs » Mon Apr 19, 2010 2:37 am

Bloke strolling along a pier, when suddenly he sees a man sat holding an imaginary fishing rod and with both feet dangling in the water.
Curious the bloke asks the man, 'What you doing?'
'I'm fishing for c*nts' said the man.
The bloke smiled and joined him, took his socks & shoes off and placed both feet in the water and cast out his imaginary fishing line.
Smiling smugly to himself, the bloke then said to the man 'So, how many c*nts have you caught today, then?'
Without looking up the man said 'You're the third this morning'.
YES INDEED!
 
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Dusty » Wed Apr 21, 2010 4:21 pm

Scientists have successfully combined Viagra with Prozac, and have come up with a drug which you can take to get you turned on yet chilled out, so that if you don't get a f*ck, you don't give a f*ck.
 
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Ian-Highlander » Wed Apr 21, 2010 4:23 pm

Champs wrote:Bloke strolling along a pier, when suddenly he sees a man sat holding an imaginary fishing rod and with both feet dangling in the water.
Curious the bloke asks the man, 'What you doing?'
'I'm fishing for c*nts' said the man.
The bloke smiled and joined him, took his socks & shoes off and placed both feet in the water and cast out his imaginary fishing line.
Smiling smugly to himself, the bloke then said to the man 'So, how many c*nts have you caught today, then?'
Without looking up the man said 'You're the third this morning'.

That's superb :lol: :lol:
 
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby JLP » Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:23 pm

Anyone heard about the Irish exorcism? A mother called in the devil to get the priest out of her son. :P
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Dusty » Thu Apr 22, 2010 8:15 am

Went to a midgets wedding recently. I didn't like him, just wanted to see if he vanished when he put the ring on.

Hats off to the Icelandic people.First they declared themselves bankrupt...Then they set their island on fire....
Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?

The sun is shining, it's really warm and there's not a cloud in the sky. No noise or pollution from planes flying overhead. Think I'll stroll down to the pub by the river for a cool pint or two... everyone's relaxed, the girls are in skimpy clothes and no bugger is asking me for donations. I hope you're watching, Haiti, Chile, China, Pakistan.... That's how you should do a natural disaster!
 
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby WeeMann » Thu Apr 22, 2010 10:33 am

As a rule, I don't pass on these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,

BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for some time now and it is estimated that it has reached over 20 million people so far.

We don't want to lose any names on the list so once you have added your name PLEASE send it on to keep it going.


To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and add your name.




1. Mrs. Brown.

2
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby WeeMann » Wed Apr 28, 2010 6:36 am

A U.S. army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious, on the left-hand side of the road.

On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the American platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported: “I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly; coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road”.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein had been a miserable, lowlife scumbag who’d got what he deserved.

The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog. And furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.

He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.

“And, there we were – in the middle of the road – shaking hands, when the f******* bus hit us.”
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Bad Guy » Thu Apr 29, 2010 4:32 pm

EDIT - DOH

Please delete this post! :oops:
 
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Dittany » Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:38 pm

A country boy answers the door to this P.O'd guy demanding, "Your father home?"

The kid says, "No."

"Your mama home?"

"Nope."

"Where's your brother Howard?"

"He's off with Mama and Daddy."

"Well," the guy says, "I want to talk to your parents about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant!"

The kid thinks for a minute and replies, "I'll tell Daddy. I know he charges a couple hundred for bull service, and fifty for our boar, but I don't think he's ever charged a stud fee for Howard."
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A man walks into a bar with a monkey

Postby Zappanalé » Fri Apr 30, 2010 5:51 pm

I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore.


Jokes thread, go.
 
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