Time for a joke

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Re: Time for a joke

Postby JLP » Sun Feb 18, 2018 6:37 pm

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Sole Survivor » Sun Aug 12, 2018 1:34 am

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly
packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.


On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put
on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water,
3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and
some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with
her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the
place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets
were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the
two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even
paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors
refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to
borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new
place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were
going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He
listened politely and said that he missed his old home
terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce
settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the
smell really was, she agreed on a price
that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork.
A week late the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home
and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Love now 'till Eternity...
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Broooklyn » Tue Aug 14, 2018 3:55 am

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Re: Time for a joke

Postby Sole Survivor » Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:52 pm

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I’d like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. "
"If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?"
"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? "
"Would ya, huh?"
"Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Love now 'till Eternity...
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby JLP » Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:08 pm

my wife and I have the cutest names for each other. She is the light of my life and i am her useless sack of shit. :lol:
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Re: Time for a joke

Postby JLP » Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:08 pm

Behind every nagging woman is a man who is not doing what he is supposed to be doing. :P
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